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am 20 years old and did not keep count of the times that I fell in love.

the first time it happened to kindergarten, his name was Luke and liked them all: playing tag, once gave me a kiss on the cheek and I told my mom that I could no longer wash face, for this reason.

then there was Tommy , lived in the apartment above mine and we played together in the afternoon and watched the Disney movies or cartoons in 6. throughout the period of primary school, when we played hide and seek in the garden with other children, I was hoping was hiding with me and that nobody would find us for hours, but I never had the courage to tell him that I liked.

after them, at the age of 13, there was Matthew . we knew each other since elementary school, was a cool and was proud of his tamarretto a Playboy T-shirts and his scooter. I have no idea what I could find someone like him, but a good point decided not to speak of nothing and only after 3-4 years we have begun to say goodbye.

then it happened in high school, with Beppe . He initially made me clearly the wire through the halls of school and when we met and I started dating in friendship we became inseparable in the sense that we did not say stupid things that get together to listen to music and dreaming of California lying on bales of hay in the countryside or on the lawn of the skate park. after our first kiss, it was the beginning of the end: reproach each other for ruining the friendship, decide to try to be friends, get jealous and fight, and ribaciarsi ridirsi enough to cry for months and months thinking it all ' another and did not care to learn too late that instead it was different from what you thought.

Sil was different: he was my first real boyfriend. even if we only had 15 years (I) and 16 (Him), we had created a perfect story. He was the skater and played bass and was everything I wanted. we met at the skate park, in a somewhat 'troubled: I only say that I still carry a scar on the knuckle of his right hand! We spent eleven months between outings with friends, movies at home, afternoon of pampering at home and then we left and resumed after about a year, but in the end we were kids, back then it was too difficult to manage something bigger than us and I gave up. Sil is still one of my dearest friends.

say that if all these people have marked my childhood / adolescence, the first one was making me grow Lollo . I completely lost my mind! He was a lifeguard at the beach in my bathroom when I walked past me smiling and I could not eat anything. was the first and I think the one who made me feel that feeling of "butterflies" that made me think that we can not even eat, but live only for his vision. when we met, I realized that, besides being cute, he was also a special person: I have a few minutes to fall in love with him and we spent 6 months perfect together, even if there have been several misunderstandings that have made divide. in any case, Lawrence has taught me so much, even in such a short time and the only regret I have is that it did not extern never quite my feelings.

and at the end of it all is him Nicola . I write these things crying ... Nico has been my salvation, now. when we met a few hours were enough to make us realize that we were made for each other. same taste, same habits, same paranoia, the same sudden anxiety, the same desire to tell everything. thinking of him reminds me many things, first of all the evening when we had a fight for the first time and for the first time we said to be in love, through tears. Nicola was everything to me: my half, my best friend and my brother ... in short, the family I are chosen by herself. was there after school when I could not wait to go away after 5 hours, was there to question me even though we had the world on television the night before the examination, he was there outside the door while I had the maturity of the oral and did not want anyone to listen to me, was there when my grandfather went to the emergency room and was there when a friend is gone without the chance to return. Nicola was there when my going on vacation and stayed at home alone, was there when my rabbit was ill and did not know how to look after her, was there when I missed my best friend and was there when I visit my friends sea \u200b\u200bwith the awareness of not seeing them for 9 long months. Nichi was there in all my happy moments: when I was playing with her cats, when I woke up after him in his bed and I realized that I had not moved to make me sleep again ... him during these two years there has always been, and made me feel a part of him and his family. then it was over. I suffered more for him than for me, when we made the decision damned. I hated to see him sad and yet despite everything, I wish him all the best in the world, with or without me. and so I can say that for the first time, plus I'm in love, I loved someone so much that put him in front of all my priorities. and I can say that there has been one of the most beautiful time spent with Nicole and that the trace everything minute by minute until the end, if only I could. Nicola was the first true love and the first true love is never forgotten ... I wonder how many other people will know, those who fall in love and I definitely love someone else or even how much I loved him more, but I am sure of one thing: no one will take its place, no one will ever forget me because of all the happy memories is the first in the list.

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despite having a smile on your face, I have a lump in my throat that does not go away. Nicola told me that one of her cats is not well and so quickly go on to make him a little visit to his home: only he knows how are fond of cats, those two. I decided to take this opportunity to bring the developed pictures asking me for a lifetime. I have collected in a simple album with front and our names written in a dedication that I had written long ago, when he was in Paris for work and we just celebrated our first anniversary. about the pictures and I think that no one else is shooting so much as these, because there were our sincere smiles, our eyes and our lips met. and every time you miss him the watch and think what made me laugh when he made some grimaces, it made me angry when I screamed in my ears and what made me feel good when holding my hand or kissed me the tip of the nose. whenever someone tells me that now I forget, I climb a rage incredible look ahead is one thing, forgetting is another. I think one of the most despicable actions that can be put to a person who has given so much for so long. I never forget anyone, I live in memories. I forget the ticket or the expiry of the parking meter, I can forget to turn off the plate before leaving, I can even forget to go to class in the morning or go to bed at night, but I can not forget a person and especially not I want to forget a special person.

"then do so many photos, so if by chance we were to lose sight, I'll know where to look when I want to see you."

and now you're there, stuck on the wall 3 or 4 times. give me good night and good morning, smile at me when I need to be comforted. In this way you will not ever go completely ...

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constantly thinking the same thing. wake up remembering a dream about him and have a heart-pounding crazy. falling asleep watching your phone and waiting for his call-know-not come, because this is right. hug and say "I never loved anyone else as I have loved you" and crying together, because it's reached the end. sit in the middle of a park and sit there to watch without saying anything. driving with his eyes misted and not notice that the light has turned green. know that it is time again to open the box of memories and do not have the courage to store letters, cards and photographs, because the love is still alive. think how many beautiful things were made together, in a year and a half and do not regret anything, because what matters is being good. feel just a little 'guilty for having doubts and feel less guilty because my doubts are gone where he began his. I think that despite not love me anymore he wants to die and feel bad because he is sick and being less selfish and not feel bad only for its absence. say "these things happen" and not inside did not realize that it's really over. unable to eat, after a week. have the room in disarray since the last time he was there and have no desire to put in place, as if the disorder represented the chaos that's inside your head and you already knew that would not serve a simple adjustment. look at the basket and see us in endless packages of gum finished only half sheets written in an attempt to knock out a letter for him, crumpled handkerchiefs and soil of our tears that night. only listen to depressing music and resurrect that cd last year and a half were no longer heard. realize that it is not possible, at least for now, kiss the lips of someone else, making love with someone else, and hope that he too is in line with this thinking. remember the silliest nonsense said and done, the days at sea, those in the shop, snuggle under the covers, revivals together, the arguments, lunches and dinners, and even perfumes. think of her parents and her brother, her grandparents, her cats and watch them like a second family.

a year and a half as we enjoyed it there we do not have to anymore. I am sure of this.